I`m not one of those who would be quoting random stuff heard on TV or read somewhere, my last post made this clear enough. But the title of this post is actually something that Earl from My Name is Earl said, not word for word. But the essence is here: "You never actually change until you hit rock bottom".
Think about it... When was the last time you decided to eat healthy or workout? Is it because you suddenly had enough of seeing the state in which you were? Did you hit rock bottom?
When did you decide to go slow on alcohol? Is it because you had enough of making a fool of yourself at every party? Did you hit rock bottom?
So today this thought occurred to me as I was trying to save the cake I`ve baked while figuring out how I forgot cream cheese for a birthday party and how I did not notice that my dessert cream in the fridge was way past expiry date. To top it all I had to fill some official papers, which I did at the last minute, committing lots of blunders and having a hard time fixing everything. To make it short, I had hit rock bottom... Hard.
I had gone down from being the girl who had everything in control to someone who was mildly interested in everything that was happening around her and that she had to cope with. I had become the kind of person I hate.
And so the paperwork was done and the cake was salvaged. The birthday was a success. But still... There`s this nagging feel of self-disappointment that I gotta cope with...
I hit rock bottom twice in my life. During my year abroad in Paris, hated the city, hated the SNCF strikes, hated walking over 1h to class, hated to dog poop on absolutely every inch of pavement, hated the daily racial abuse from the algerian neighbours, hated being followed by "yellow fever" idiots with asian fetishes following me around in the metro, hated them approaching me and asking in extremely bad english whether i was japanese or korean, hated being spat on by hobos and called a dirty immigrant, my laptop crashed 2 days before a mock exam which I had to take at 8-10pm and half of the syllabus had been carefully drafted in note form, still failed 3 modules out of 4 during the 1st term, didn't understand why I was failing despite putting in the hours, decided to put in more hours, stopped feeding myself because studying took over 12h a day, dropped a good 3-4kgs judging by how my collarbone and ribs were showing, got really really bad acne, loathed the fact that while i was stuck at 10pm in exams the gang in Grenoble took skiing as an ACTUAL MODULE (skiing!! imagine that!) and to top it all had to work really hard in my final year to make up for the crap grades i got in Paris.
ReplyDeleteThe second rock bottom moment was during my masters, witnessed the bf developing a Dr Jerk and Mr Douchebag split personality on a daily basis because of bad influence from "friends" or should i say one specific man-whore sonofabeep, having my trust betrayed, getting royally dumped by no fault of mine, being called hysterical and crazy by people who were supposedly my friends, people not believing me because that 360 change from the bf was SO UNLIKE him, being abandoned by those so-called friends in a time of need, drowning my frustration and despair in food, putting on 7kgs in less than 3 months, suicide would be too strong a word but contemplating disappearing and how life would be if i just dropped off the face of the planet, somehow barely scraping a merit in exams, and having to frigging pull myself together to ace the 15000 word dissertation. Luckily my tweeps kept me sane throughout those rough 6 months.
Jamais deux sans trois..as shit is probably going to knock a 3rd time, I'm dreading when will that happen -.-'' on the other hand i made it through both rough patches.
*essay over* *story of my life* repeat to self: i am a gladiator in a suit, i am a gladiator in a suit. repeat until convinced >_<
Relationships do complicate things most of the time, don`t they? I`ve had two major rock bottom moments so far in my life too and they were all because of relationships that were literally killing me. Making it hard to cope with your studies in the process, 'cause that`s all you had to do and that`s all you can`t do because of that emotional distress you`re in. I ended up ditching my course and starting a new one because so many wrong things were associated with the first one. Funny but it`s actually the first time that I am talking about this. I think the fact that you`ve talked about your rock bottoms made it easier for me to drop the superficial facade that I`ve been using so far. I`ve had much more serious issues that a ruined birthday cake.
DeleteAnd yes life is made up of those moments, the fact that you`ve been able to rise despite all those makes you a gladiator, a real, modern gladiator. ^^ And I know all this might sound cliche, but it`s the battles that we`ve won that makes us what we are now.
relationships and human nature are very delicate, complex things but ultimately they are 1 of the many factors that shape your view of society and life..you win some, you lose some. and yes somehow talking to strangers is easier than confiding in friends ^_^ human nature again...we're all multi-faceted (unless you happen to be a really superficial airheaded bimbo) afraid of being judged by people who already "know" and are accustomed to a certain part of us. showing the "hidden" parts can always be slightly harder. et entre cheres cyniques, hiding in the murky depths of our sarcasm and bitchwaddyalookin'at tough girl act, lies our sensitive nature - which we hate to show! XD am i right? =p
DeleteDamn right! It`s kind of easier to put up the tough girl act than to actually show our sensitive nature. This seems to be more tedious.
DeleteAnd as the saying goes, you will find your true friends in such situations.
DeleteYeah! Totally agree with you Clive. You might be surprised sometimes at how some people are willing to give a lot of themselves to help. People that you might not have suspected.
DeleteI've hit rock bottom once, with alcohol abuse.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's completely true, you only change when you hit rock bottom. You may fall, but unless it's a really long fall, you're never gonna change.
Yeah... But it`s kind of hard when it`s an addiction as well.
Deleteon my side, tons of times. too many, it leaves deep scars, but it's true that it shaped my character and made me more prepared for the present and the future
ReplyDeleteYeah it`s always the number of time that we fell that shapes the way we are now. ;)
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